A bit better.

As I lay here in my bed, mind mind is running a million miles an hour.   But I keep reflecting on the contrast of yesterday.   Yesterday morning it was all I could do to hold it together.   My heart had been heavy this past week,  yearning for Garrett to stay and not leave.  When in reality I know that this is what he must do.  All morning,  tears flowed freely down my face; it didn't take much to set the tears off.  Afternoon came and we met or friends for lunch.   My friend, knowing my emotional state, gave me a box of kleenex!  Tears once again wanted to fall but I somehow managed to come them back in.
After lunch we left and went separate directions from our children and headed to Salt Lake to do some Christmas shopping. On our way I found my eyes tearing up once again but I fought to hold the tears back.
Or trip to Gateway needed to be quick since I was playing my harp at our ward Christmas party.   I needed to get my harp to the church before others arrived so that I could let it acclimate and tune it.  We managed to hit a few stores but accomplished very little Christmas shopping.   I managed to fight the tears back at the Verizon store as I talked to an employee :)
This sweet young girl had no idea my emotional state was so fragile when we stated to make small talk,  as I waited for Brent.  But it wasn't until she started taking about her live for her mission did I start to tear up... Only because she stated it first!
We were running very behind now and raced home to take the harp to our ward.  I called Parker and asked him to get it ready, he did more n get it treat he had it ready at the top of the stairs.   In my mind he had it ready to topple it down the stairs! He, for the first time,  carried my harp for me down the stairs and into the van.  Then into the church.   I love that kid!   I have noticed more and more that he is trying to pick up the pieces and help out.  He had become his own person, but will pick up the pieces that Garrett left behind and isn't able to fulfill.
I was actually dreading the Christmas party.   I did not think my emotions could handle it.  But surprisingly, I did okay!   We had no Garrett with us, since he was at work.   I found myself thinking,  "I'm okay.   This is what it is going to be like,  but I'm okay. "
I found myself talking to my friend,  whose son is on a mission, too.  I fought of the tears many times talking to get, but it felt good to listen to another mom say we all have the tears and so rays are better than others.   Her son has been out nine months and she said she cried just putting ornaments on her tree.  So I guess it is okay to cry.  :)
We left the ward party and went to the mall to really try accomplishing some Christmas shopping, but this time we took Parker and Madi. I just kept thinking,  "so this is what it is going to be like now,  just the four of us?" "I can do this,  but I still may cry."
We left the mall,  came home and I proceeded to do the dishes.  I hadn't cried all night.   In fact I could say Garrett was going on a mission without my eyes swelling to the brim with tears.  I could do this, I think.
I was able to go to bed without having to be reassured that it was all for the best and that it would work out.   I was able to go to bed without sobbing and blowing my nose a gazillion times because I can't breath from all the crying!   I am pretty sure Brent appreciated the much welcome non emotional wife coming to bed as well because that meant he was not going to have a wet shoulder or cheek or wherever I was touching him from a running spout of free flowing tears.
I definitely appreciated this much welcome relief.   I know it is because my heart was touched in someway just by being at church. I felt better just being there and because of that I am appreciative my Heavenly Father could see my need.  I don't know if it is by taking to some incredibly sweet sisters about my emotions or just by being at church ( or the fact that I was running around all afternoon)  my Heavenly Father could see my need and helped lift the heart ache and pain I was feeling. He answered my prayer.  And because of that I am crying tears of joy.
Sure I am still going to cry and be an emotional wreck at times, but I know my Heavenly Father loves me and is watching out for me.  I also know Garrett is doing what he is supposed to be doing.  Part of me still wants to yell "Stop! " But that feeling is not as strong as yesterday.
This is going to be the toughest thing I have ever done. ...I think giving birth was easier than this but I know I need to have the faith that everything is going as planned.  I also know that Heavenly Father does hear and answer our prayers.   He answers my calls for help and strength.  I also know I have a family and a whole slew of friends that are here to support me; let me cry, listen to my thoughts and just are there for me.  And I love each and everyone of them for that.