This sucks...

(I am not going to edit this post for errors, at least not right now)....Here it is 12:45am  and I'm still awake.   That's not unusual for me most nights but tonight is different.  Really,  this sucks.  Sending a child out into the unknown is hard,  and my child hadn't even left yet. I know Garrett needs to this and deep down I want him to do this, but on the surface my mind and heart are yelling "NO!  DON'T GO!"   This is what Brent and I have prepared Garrett for for the past 19 years.  I know this is something Garrett wants to go do, and I want him to go on a mission a well, but I am not ready for him to leave.   He hasn't even left yet,  yet somehow my heart already misses him.   I can already see a change starting; going from a boy to a young man. 

This really sucks.   Nobody prelates you for this past of parenting.   Nobody tells you how hard it is until you get here.  Everybody tells you time flies by and at first you don't believe them but then BAM! your children are all grown and you think, "Where did the time go?"

But really,  this is hard.  It is hard knowing that I am sending my child out into the unknown.   I know I have to have faith.   That is what this is all about.   

I was told by a sub, whose son just returned from his mission, that it was the hardest two years of her life.  Her husband gently reminded her that this was a sacrifice and sacrifices are not supposed to be easy.  I agree, a sacrifice is not spared to be easy and this sacrifice is hard. 

As I lay in bed I am  thinking of all the things that I will miss.  I am going to miss his stories and could he ever tell a story.   I am going to miss his phone calls to let me know he is on his way home.   I am going to miss my Jimmy Fallon watching buddy.  We would look at each other and laugh at the stupid things he would have people do or the songs he sang.  I am going to miss the nightly, "Goodnight mom, I love you." 

Prior to writing this post I was thinking about how my house just won't be the same without Garrett.  Tears started filling my eyes eventually leading the way to the ugly cry.  I could not get a hold of the ugly cry, so I caved in and cried away.  Only Brent knew I was crying and lovingly held me in his arms and reassured me all would be well.  He listened to me as I told him how much this sucks.  After awhile I heard a sweet voice ask,  "Mom,  are you okay?"  He then penned my bedroom door,  peeked his head in and said,  "Mom,  why are you crying?" 

Brent told Garrett I was okay.   I was now trying to fight the tears back even more.   Garrett said, "something is wrong,  you aren't doing a good job hiding it. So what is wrong?"

Brent told Garrett nothing was wrong,  I was just thinking about some things.   I think Garrett could see he was not going to get the answer from me or Brent as to why I was crying, so he closed the door and went back to his room and went to bed.

This added another thing to my list,  I am going to miss my son checking in me.  I do wanted to tell him I was crying because I was already missing him when he leaves.  I wanted to tell him right then and there I loved him and that this sucks,  the pain my heart is already feeling, but I couldn't tell him.  I did not want to burden him with my earthly pain when deep down,  I know my spirit wants him to share the message of the Gospel.   

He is going to make an awesome missionary and I know that!  I know he loves this gospel,  he loves serving others and above all, he love the Lord.   I would never want to deny him the chance of sharing the Gospel with others just because my heart is broken. 

My heart will mend but it is just going to need some time.   I am thrilled beyond belief that Garrett has chosen to serve a mission.  I just never thought 19 years would come so fast.  I am going to miss that kid when he leaves next month.  I love you Garrett.   Love,  Mom.